December 15, 2011

Dear friend,
     No, I have not died. Although, to a certain extent, emotionally and academically I probably have. I'll tell you all about today, since it was somewhat eventful. So before getting a ride to the subway station, mom, pop, and I stopped by the cemetery to drop off some Christmas themed flowers for my aunt and uncle. They died when I was two. I remember visiting them a lot when I was younger, and when we lived nearer. The four trees that surround their site have grown so much. Mom said they represented us. I don't know what kind they are, certainly not pine, they're more fuller and a lighter green too. A couple of weeks ago I had spoken to my grandmother over the phone, and within five seconds I teared up and shed a couple. It was the kind of conversation that you knew could be your last but intensely hoped it wasn't. It's been over two and a half years since my grandpa died. Grandma is 83.
     So why was I going downtown when I didn't have an exam today? I was going to a taping of the George Stroumboulopoulos Tonight show, for the second time. Getting on the guest list is free. Today, they had musical performances, for and not for their Christmas Special. Coeur de Pirate was performing. So I'm kind of, no I am, in love with Beatrice Martin, but I'll get back to that in a bit. Okay, so.. figuring out how to word these next sentences. My sister isn't quite ready yet to tell our parents but she's out living the lifestyle. Everyone has their own pace and if are given the time, will come out when they're ready to come out. I think I'm ready. I don't think I can go about living the lifestyle if I'm not ready, on a certain level, not quite parents level, yet though. I need a job and to get my shit together for the winter/spring semester. I've said I would move out by the end of university but I'm thinking I need to sooner. Ideally, end of third year university.
     Back to the Strombo show, after the Christmas special part was filmed, Beatrice stepped to the side so they could reset the stage and then she'd perform a song of hers for some later air date. I waved and smiled. She waved and smiled back. Now, as minuscule as that is, I was ecstatic. Before the show, while waiting in line they had us fill out some mini survey thing and the last questions was, "is there anything else we should know about you?" Bluntly I had written, "I should be studying for my algebra exam on Tuesday but I'd rather be here," and low and behold, one of audience coordinators (I'm going to describe him as a hype-guy. like one of those camp counselors that get you excited for things) read out my answer. I proudly raised my hand. Note also that the first time I went to a taping, to see Bedouin Soundclash for the Christmas special, I skipped a math lecture. The guy wished me well with studying and said he had faith in me. When the show had wrapped, whilst being escorted in groups back outside of the studio, a middle-aged woman, late forties, also wished me well with algebra.
     I don't think I'll pursue math throughout university. I mean if my love for it has been diminished this much already, I guess I didn't really love it all that much. What I will pursue however, is physics and possibly even philosophy, that shit is interesting! I might want to invest in a swear jar too... So that's what I did today, and although I took two days off, I'm mentally okay to begin studying for algebra for the next four days. I just want to pass. Even if I don't, fuck that. There are certain things we can control and certainly there are things we can't. All we can do is try to feel okay about them.

October 2, 2011

Dear friend,
     To state the obvious, it's getting colder. The days are getting shorter, which would be much more enjoyable if I could spend more of the day sleeping. This first month, as most firsts are, was, for lack of a better word, interesting. Taking the bus and subway everyday makes me want to travel further all the more, go on trains for hours on end to foreign locations, explore. Of course I know I just can't up-root and leave, but sooner rather than later would be ideal. Not sharing any specifics at the moment, although I do tend to remember a fair share of them, I would like to share this part of one of the readings I have for this week.

          Liners
          A great epoch has begun.
          There exists a new spirit.
          There exists a mass of work conceived in the new spirit; it is to be met with particularly in industrial production.
          Architecture is stifled by custom.
          The 'styles' are a lie.
          Style is a unity of principle animating all the work of an epoch , the result of a state of mind which has its own special character.
          Our own epoch is determining, day by day, its own style.
          Our eyes, unhappily are unable yet to discern it.

     Now, I'm not entirely sure what that means but I can and do appreciate the way in which it was written. Sometimes there's just this indescribable- some sort of understanding. I get it a lot when I read books and such. Don't get me wrong, I love reading but it'd be nice to not have to read a book to feel like this. I sincerely wish all the best to you, though.

 July 30, 2011

Dear friend,
     Hello again. As I was trying to fall asleep yesterday I realized I had not mentioned all the university things that are currently going on. Waiting... sometimes my patience escapes me, sometimes things become inevitable, and more so predictable. All I know right now is that I am still excited and terrified. And that I would love to take an architecture course somewhere along the road.
     Sometimes I really do not like staying in my house... so today I waited until it was cool enough to venture out. I re-pumped my bike tires and headed to the shore, with my house key in my shoe. Usually I'd bring a small backpack, containing water, some cash, and identification; in case I die, you know. The sun was certainly still shining as I peddled on. Didn't go too far this time, intending to be home before dark. The streetlights were always my cue. I sat on this log for over half an hour, just staring out into the horizon.
     To my left was a young man, most likely in his twenties, also sitting on logs, and he had a bike with him as well. To my right was a large family splashing in the water. Further down were what looked like a group of college friends, they had a fire going. At one point there was a line of birds that flew across the horizon. The line of birds stretched across my peripherals. It was quite the sight to see to many birds heading in the same direction in a line like that.
     Staring out at the lake and hearing the waves gave me this sensation of drifting. It felt like I was floating backward on that log towards the shore, instead of being on it. It felt as if I was sinking and I wondered if I would've felt differently if I was with someone and not alone. I wanted to dive into the water and just swim towards the horizon, just swim and swim away. I didn't. I decided to head back, the sky had become purple and the clouds were now a grey.
    On the way there was this snail crossing the trail, I picked it up and put it back on the grassy area. I also decided to push my bike up this big hill, the sun had just set and the sky was a bright orange. Perhaps out of curiosity, I hopped on my bike atop that hill and let gravity do what it does. Let me mention though that the path up and down that hill was narrow. Not one of the best ideas I've had but I'll probably do it again. About ten feet away from the bottom, I eased up on the brakes more than I should have and gravity certainly did what it does best. I wiped out into the tall grass and scrapped my elbow.

 July 29, 2011

Dear friend,
     So I've been listening to a lot of jazz and classical lately, on the radio that is. I'll probably start to not just via the radio soon. I tend to get real contemplative whilst doing so but that's because I'm relaxed enough to just be still for moments and just be. I'm listening to the radio now, classical playing, this is me trying to relax and fall asleep. The latter is proving to be much more difficult than the former. I guess I could ramble on about the past two, three weeks?
     I completed an online course, was not doing so well but will pass. Not doing one of those ever again though. I've rearranged my room. It's quite fancy, intended to be a sort of old fashioned whimsy. I like it, and it's livable and clean. Organized so I can actually keep it "presentable" as my mother would say. Oh how that word has haunted me. Incidentally, I need to go for more either early morning or late afternoon bike adventures.
     I'm still reading The Great Gatsby which is, I understand it to be, considered as a classic. I intend to stick to these genres, for certainly they do carry on a feel of timelessness. Other than that, and I suppose a chunk load of reflecting, that's all I've been up to. And I guess learning new words thanks to Gatsby. I hope you are well and I wish the best to you and your summer.

May 30, 2011

Dear friend,
     I can smell the cool rain air, it's nice and calming but I still can't sleep. It's four AM.
     I don't know if you've ever felt like this but I have and am and I don't know what to call it. It happens when you're looking at a recent photo of a friend, a friend who you used to hang out with a lot or a friend you consider to be close but haven't really talked to in a while. And you wonder. You wonder if they are as happy as they seem in the picture and whether or not they saw you on that day the picture was taken matters.
     Sometimes it doesn't.
     What matters is that they do seem happy and hopefully they are as happy. Maybe even happier. And you honestly hope that they are happier than you are because looking at the photo kind of makes you sad. It happens whenever you see an old photo of someone you know or used to know. Sometimes it even happens when you're with them. Since the way you feel can't be helped, knowing that while you're looking at them, sometimes they don't even see you. But you still can't help but be happy and smile because they're smiling in the picture or they're smiling at you.
     I think this is called acceptance. I just want you to know that if you'll let me, I will always be here for you. Please believe me when I say that things are good, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough.
     And I will believe the same about you.